Wroc on 2017

The Squarrites crossed the road into the heart of the city to the Boremar open air café for American Pale Ales with a dark brew for Sid and a lemonade shandy for B.Ed.

“Vreggs” pastry shop stood next door and was gifted with a constant queue.

Sid emerged with a selection of doughnuts and issued them so as to keep the Squarrites sugar levels up.

The clouds thickened and the temperature under the street umbrellas fell so that the red woolly blankets were needed to keep out the cold. The Squarrites sat quietly like a scene from the old folk's home. All that was missing was the pervading smell of stale urine.

The Qubus Hotel was quickly found and rooms allocated:-

Yup & JC 305; Sid & Jacko 207: Sean & Tim 413: DCeen & Brolly 402: Brian & Andy 307: Tony & Stubee 407: Dave Gater 410: Rob Gater 415 and Dave Harding 211.

Sunday 3rd September

Alarms were set for 7:30 for a breakfast of cereal, eggs, bacon, a choice of sausage and raw toast for JC all washed down with coffee and juice.

Yup led the way to the Gothic style railway station but, with the station in sight, took a detour through the suburbs as directed by the SatNav. The station was ultra clean and impressive but Yup and Tony had communication problems at the ticket window. It appeared that the 10:21 EIS train would cost £13.50 each for one way only. The 11:00 slow train would be a third of the price.

With an unexpected break in the schedule the Squarrites went on a tour along the cheap shops and bars under the railway arches. There were 2 “Sex Shops with one apparently open and allegedly displaying signs saying “No refunds on premature ejaculations”.

A museum courtyard looked inviting and offered a quiet respite to inspect a vintage Model T Ford complete with chauffer while listening to a choral performance.

A stop for food was called for though there would be a delay for the chip fryer. Hot dogs with semi-raw sausage were available with sauerkraut or with gherkin. The resultant mess was then smothered in tomato sauce and mustard and wrapped into a tissue so as to ooze out from unexpected places.

The expedition began with the usual pre-dawn collection but this time the driver followed the signs to Liverpool airport for an event free arrival.

Check in went smoothly even for 2pie with his bag drop and expensive camera equipment. The security check went without hassle and tables and chairs were available to help with dressing and the re-threading of belts.

The Gaters were met at The Kissing Gate and breakfasts were ordered. JC rejected his delivery. “I ordered the breakfast bun, not a mere sausage offering” he moaned. The waitress explained that what he had was the breakfast bun. Yup helpfully asked why he had not ordered the full English bun complete with the addition of delicious bacon and two eggs for only £1:00 more. “No one told me” he said despondently “Even the toast was half raw”. He added lashings of sauce as compensation but left half a round as a protest.

Tony had a self winding watch and was forced to make regular but highly suspicious wrist movements to ensure full function.

Only the first 90 wheeled cases were allowed as cabin baggage but Mark's hybrid bag with hidden wheels escaped the inspection.

The Squarrites were all seated in rows 26-29 except lonely JC as a priority boarder.

Take off occurred 20 minutes late to the sound of screaming kids.

The Squarrites assembled before customs to discover that DCeeen had padlocked his case but had left the key at home. Sid hoped DCeen had not brought his bondage gear with him.

Yup led the way to the bus stop and with much confusion bought 15 tickets at 3 Zloty each to be franked on entry.

The crowded bus sped through the suburbs until Yup suddenly left to be followed by a trail of Squarrites.

After brief ablution calls Yup led the way through the city to the Panorama Raclawicka to reserve places for the 10:30 show for the following Tuesday.

The ancient brick gate was passed on the way to the riverfront to book a cut price cruise for the same day. The extensive riverside paving was of high quality marble with stainless steel handrails. Britain's alleged £50M daily contribution to the EU fund was evident.

Courting couples lay among the tall grass. 2pie considered taking photographs of the lovers but was not sure if they were clothed below the waist.

Refreshed the Squarrites strolled around the beautiful medieval town centre to marvel at the oriental Elvis busker. He had all the right equipment but still managed to sound like he had his wedding tackle stuck in a vice. Sid reckoned that he was Kim Jong-un's alternative weapon.

The Squarrites were in so much awe that no-one noticed that Yup had continued towards the restaurant. A quick call was needed to regroup.

The Pod Strusiem Italian occupied a cellar with vaulted ceilings and low hanging lamps that Jacko had to modify in order to sit.

A selection of pizzas was ordered. 2pie chose a pizza with a heat rating of 3 out of 4 but served with an offering swimming in Naga oil that proved too hot to eat or even give away.

Stubee and Tony chose the larger 45cm. pizzas that arrived like dustbin lids that would have defeated lesser men.

Rob's pizza arrived after everyone else had finished.

A beer was taken in the wedding tent by the entrance but had to be rushed in order to catch the bus back to the station.

However the Sunday service applied with a 1 hour delay which forced the Squarrites to seek the sustenance of local cheese that appeared to be a hybrid of polystyrene.

A block of cheese would perhaps see a Polish family through a harsh winter but failed as a snack.

The rain began to fall and Brolly Wally man sheltered under his umbrella with a smug grin as a contingent of Dad's Army appeared to turn up for audition.

“Here to quell a yuprising?” queried B.Ed.

The night was still young so the Squarrites went in search of more beer but the town was closing down

“All shut up!” cried Mark to a chorus of reply “Don't you shut me up”.

The Bar Kombinta lay opposite the Qubus and was still open to sell American Pale Ale at 10 Zloty each. A bearded strong man stood behind the bar with no apparent function other than to punch any trouble maker. The clientele were serious consumers and there was an undercurrent that should not have been ignored. An early bed was called for.

Just 15 minutes after arrival the Squarrites were back on the streets to the restaurant under the Old Town Hall where a helpful lady dragged heavy wooden tables together and disposed of the “RESERVED” signs. She took orders for meaty meals and confirmed that the Polish for “thank you” was “John is queer” as the Squarrites had suspected.

Jacko ordered a side order of chips. “Pomme frits?” he offered to clarify to the confused waitress.

JC read the menu and noted that “Durex Soup comes in bread”.

Tim fumbled the delivery of his soup with spillage onto his trousers and was relieved that he had ordered the clear beetroot soup.

The time delay between courses prompted JC to exclaim “Why is it so long?” a claim he reckoned he often heard from his wife. “No” corrected Sid “Why wait so long?” “Punctuation is so important” he added.

The food was good with generous portions of meat with vegetables.

The waiter cleared the empty plates away and suggested schnapps which he poured from a ridiculously tall glass vessel. There was an odour of farmyard about the drink but it did hit the alcohol spot.

The bus arrived and this time Tony was able to buy 15 tickets and frank each one before issue. The bus trundled on as time diminished and even a dash to the station was beaten by the arrival of the train before tickets were purchased.

The Squarrites elected to run and hope to purchase on the train though long platforms and an underpass lay in the way. The train doors were held open until all Squarrites had boarded and the luxury EIS train left with only slight delay.

Stubbee departed to the toilet though his ablutions were accompanied by the sound of pressure jets and industrial strength vacuum exhaustion. The Squarrites considered that the toilet must conform to the Japanese wash/dry hygienic standard and hoped that Stubbee had not pressed the “Tampon Removal” button.

The return to the Qubus was achieved without the detour with arrival in time to catch Come Dine With Me on TV but with Polish over-dub.

Monday 4th September

The day began with another good breakfast with raw toast for JC.

Two minibuses arranged by Yup via the concierge desk arrived and the cheerful drivers were eager to please. The journey South was pleasant in the warm sunshine and 2pie drifted into sleep on the driver's shoulder.

The route took to narrow roads through the forest to arrive at the Squarrites first access point to the Reise Complex of tunnels that extended over a huge area of the Owl Mountains. The complex was dug by the Nazis using slave labour from the nearby Gross Rosen concentration camp from 1943 to 1945. The tunnels were intended to link to Princess Daisy's Castle though their ultimate use remained unknown.

At least 4,000 political prisoners had died during the construction but the full extent was not known with several access points sealed and zones collapsed.

Records of the amount of concrete consumed suggested a total length of perhaps 20km.

Hard hats were issued and audio guides operated automatically at any point of note. The Polish guide spoke to the accompanying locals in long monotonous diatribes that reduced the impact of the Squarrites visit.

JC occupied his time waiting for his camera to noisily complete 10 second countdowns to each photograph.

The taxis sped off again towards the next tunnel access but diverted to the local Les Oaks style junk/recycling yard.

Crude fishing rods were issued and sweet corn bait supplied to dangle into a pond full of trout. “I've got a tidler” cried Yup to a chorus of “We know”.

JC was nearly pulled into the water to claim “It was nearly a case of munching lily pads”. “That's a town in Germany isn't it” said Sid.

With fish caught and bucketed the Squarrites sat in the restaurant surrounded by horse collars in expectation of a gurning championship display.

30 bottles of Tyske were ordered together with 15 salads and chips.

7 servings of freshly caught fish were paid for by separate subscription to the kitty of 40 Zloty each.

The taxi drivers suggested a call on the return journey to the Peace Church in Schweidnitz built in 1517 to celebrate the peace of Westphalia.

The Unesco listed wooden church was stunning in both its size and sumptuousness with an abundance of gold leaf everywhere.

The return to Wroclaw was uneventful and no drivers were molested or snuggled.

Yup led the way to the Masala Indian restaurant to reserve a place for 9:30 but was surprised to learn that the place closed at 10:00. An earlier time of 8:45 was agreed.

The Golden Dog was entered once the correct door had been located and the Squarrites sat at a large table reserved for the giant screen soon to display international football. “Angleterre?” asked Stubbee in another display of helpfulness.

Beer was brewed within the room and 12 Pit Bulls, 2 Golden Weizen and a dark beer for Sid were ordered.

The Squarrites were ushered to a bare echoing room at the Masala with a table set for 15 and a feature wall with waterfall that gushed all night like a constant but worn whoopee cushion.

The chapattis had been rolled like cigars perhaps on a virgin's thigh but there was only one relish to accompany.

The beer arrived in large but half filled glasses that were shunned until further glasses with even less beer were presented.

The curry was a strange fusion of Eastern cuisines with the Jalfrezi made with coconut cream.

Tony dug deep into the reserves to fund the 1282 Zloty bill but £19 a head seemed fair value.

The Squarrites made the short journey to the prison courtyard pub and reorganised the tables and chairs. The enclosed space was warm and friendly but began to close at 10:45.

A final drink at the Golden Dog was called for and a round of the usual Pit Bulls, Golden Weizens and dark beers ordered.

Jacko reported that he'd had a spot of bother with the bidet.

The high pressure jet had undershot the target area to flood the bathroom floor. Worse still the jet had filled his trousers which were round his ankles at the time.

JC apologised for his intrusive photography while in the otherwise quiet tunnels and elsewhere. “I've tried everything but the countdown thing cannot be switched off”.

DCeen took the phone and pressed the “countdown off” button and returned it to JC.

The Golden Dog (not a) burgers were expensive and Zlotys were diminishing so that a visit to McDonalds was called for before a final round of photographs of the Square and brass gnomes.

Suitcases were collected from the Qubus and the friendly taxi drivers arrived on schedule at 3:30 to whisk the Squarrites back to the airport.

The flight was trouble free though full of well behaved kids.

Three cheers to Yup for his precision planning and timetable.

Thanks to Tony for again acting as tax collector and paymaster.

Another wonderful Squarry outing was over.

Jacko

The train was to leave from platform 8 which confusingly displayed a large “2”. The train departed exactly on schedule and headed for Szklarka Poreba Gorna on the Czech border.

The train stopped at a small station and Yup led the way to the bus stop to interpret the Sunday schedule timetable. The short wait enabled a quick visit to the bakery in expectation of warm meat pies. However only sugary doughnuts or confectionary made of super-dry sawdust were available.

The bus arrived and Tony went forward to buy 15 tickets only to be ushered away by the driver. The Squarrites travelled on in fear of a Polish Blakey boarding.

The bus terminated at the gates of Zamek Ksiaz.(pronounced Sharnge)

A walk through the parklands gave glimpses of the fabulous castle that had been the home of one of the wealthiest European noble families.

There were 325 grand fireplaces in the castle which required 3 coal trains each week to maintain but made possible because the Duke owned the entire Silesian Coalfield.

The last resident, Hans Heinrich XV, had taken an English aristocratic wife (Daisy Cornwallis-West) as a wife but had lost his fortune in the great depression of the 1930's. Princess Daisy of Pless's 7 metre long string of pearls bought in 1909 for 3.5 million German Marks had to be pawned.

The castle was equipped with a vacuum system and a cellar off the first floor but had stood empty until the Nazis developed plans to provide Hitler with a palace/command centre with underground connection to a vast tunnel network that was to extend for 20km. Unfortunately Hitler was always too busy to visit.

The taxis took off again through even narrower lanes to arrive at the Osowka tunnels to meet our guide, Karl.

Karl quickly gave a short history of the site and confirmed that little was known regarding the intended uses though he “hypothesised” widely.

The complex could house 27.000 people with even 70tonne Tiger tanks for company.

The pace was brisk, lively and informative with Civil Engineering details of concrete formwork and placing. The logistics of construction and operation in the middle of nowhere while surrounded by inadequate roads was not mentioned.

The Squarrites surfaced into the sunshine to the sound of phone ring and B.Ed. hypothesised that it was the hotel ringing JC to tell him his toast was ready.

Tuesday 5th September

Yup led the way again to the Panorama to arrive with perfect timing for the reserved 10:30 show.

“What sort of show is it?” asked Tony. “It's like the Bayeux Tapestry,-in a roundabout way” replied Mark

And so it proved with a 3 dimensional foreground merging seamlessly with a vast painted background display of the Battle of Radclawice.

The audio guide gave astonishing detail of the scale of the exhibition including the tonnage of paint used. The battle commemorated the defeat of the grand Russian army by an improvised army of Polish peasants and as such the historic painting had to be hidden during the Soviet era.

It was most impressive and understandably one of the must-see sights of the City.

3 girls hurriedly erected a ticket sale table and umbrella as Yup negotiated a reduction from 300 to 250 Zloty for the river cruise,

The 3 ticket sale girl's job was clearly finished for the day and the table was removed.

The cruise boat appeared to have been home made and smelt of creosote. The sliding louvre doors were definitely B&Q.

The captain wore a nautical armband to denote his position while his second officer sat behind him concentrating on his phone

The second officer's role became apparent on docking with a carefully rehearsed landing and roping.